Just Julie

“You like taking care of people because it heals the part of you that needed someone to take care of you”

Sometimes I catch myself wondering how I ended up in my career. Usually a split second thought. Because if you were to ask anyone that’s ever met me, they’d probably tell you I was born for this field of work or just simply born into it. Ever since I can remember I know whatever I did I wanted to “help people”. It jus felt right, like that’s what you’re supposed to do in life. I grew up with parents that missed weekends, holidays, birthdays, and everything in-between all for the sake of helping people. So if I’m being honest I really was born into this. Sure, I could have gone into any other field. But at the end of the day, I’m not really sure who I’d be if I wasn’t helping people or in emergency services.

Emergency services isn’t for the faint of heart and I learned that early on. If I had to pinpoint the moment, I’d say it was at fourteen when I saw my first dead body. Yikes, how morbid. As I type that out I can’t help but laugh because that’s not fucking normal. But that’s life growing up and working in this field. Nothing is normal and you cope with sarcasm and dark humor. It sounds cliché but it really is so true. I also learned early on to take care of everyone around you before checking in on yourself. So I fill other’s cups, sometimes forgetting that I have my own as well.

I want to tell you this is such a rewarding field. That your heart is always full and life feels complete with every person you help. But that’s the biggest most terrible lie I’ve ever typed out. Some days for me…It’s patching up childhood trauma by making sure everyone feels loved and safe because two people ruined that for younger you. It’s medical anxiety because I know all the symptoms so I must have that terrible illness. It’s thinking cardiac arrest is the worst way to go because you watched a family member lay on a snow covered sidewalk while they did cpr on them. It’s dreading cardiac arrest calls because a week after your grandfather died, you coached a girl through cpr on her grandfather as she screamed she couldn’t lose him.

But I do this job despite those bad times. It is rewarding, but it’s ok to admit it’s not always great. My therapist told me recently you can hold the good and the bad at the same time. You can acknowledge the bad while holding onto the good. I think the point of this post is to acknowledge the bad. Knowing I’ve suffered in silence for a lot of it. But I’m ok despite it all. I couldn’t have said that at the beginning of the year. I’m proud of my progress, and I really do love this job.